on the other hand, it doesn't feel like anything is over
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
Burma Superstar with Amy
Cafe Gratitude
the botanical garden
possibly return to Albany Bulb
one last White Chocolate Dream
try to watch a movie in Moffitt
Bakesale Betty's
go look for KitchenAid parts at Urban Ore
BAM for http://bampfa.berkeley.edu/exhibition/netart_mckay
bake a tart with some of the graduation strawberries
pray for people to be at open gym volleyball
go browse the rest of new Berkeley Bowl
also some finals
also leftover-Woolsey party
also trannies or something with Matthew? oops I never called him back
12 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
so I'm signed up for an fMRI study Sunday where I will make hopefully over $100 and maybe take a low dose of L-dopa (for Parkinson's). craaaaazy
16 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
You know, like this moment, it's holy. But we walk around like it's not holy. We walk around like there's some holy moments and there are all the other moments that are not holy, right, but this moment is holy, right? And film can let us see that, like frame it so that we see, "Ah, this moment: Holy." And it's like "Holy, holy, holy," moment by moment. But who can live that way? Who can go, "Wow, holy"? Because if I were to look at you and just really let you be holy, I don't know, I would, like, stop talking [...] And then I'd look in your eyes, and I'd cry, and I'd feel all this stuff and that's not polite. I mean it would make you feel uncomfortable.
Well you could laugh too. I mean, why would you cry?
Well, 'cause ... I don't know. For me, I tend to cry.
//
Racing thoughts. All day.
Are they bad thoughts, intrusive thoughts?
Yeah, just like, "How am I going to get through the next moment moment moment moment?"
Are you anxious?
Yeah, something's wrong.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
Whenever I’m faced with a choice, I try to imagine what other possibilities are, even ones that aren’t present.
When I am in the car listening to music, I often check other stations to see if something better is playing, even if I’m satisfied with what I’m listening to.
Renting videos is really difficult. I’m always struggling to pick the best one.
I’m a big fan of lists that attempt to rank things.
Whenever I make a choice, I’m curious about what would have happened if I had chosen differently.
I treat relationships like clothing: I expect to try a lot on before I get the perfect fit.
No matter how satisfied I am with my job, it’s only right for me to be on the lookout for better opportunities.
I find that writing is very difficult, even if it’s just writing a letter to a friend, because it’s so hard to word things just right. I often do several drafts of even simple things.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
-I fried an egg! and put it on a sandwich and delighted in it!
-I weighed in at 120 today and fit nicely into clothes that were tight before
-Sabrina is coming for a long weekend to see me graduate!
-I got a cute acrylic Peugeot salt mill which replaces the sketchy rusted mill I threw out a couple weeks ago
-I got a cookie mold of a teddy bear holding a littler teddy bear, and I will make cookies with it and mail them to my mom, which will be awesome.
-We turned on the heater last night and I wasn't freezing (though I was freezing in the world today)
-going to a story party
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
a material bounty...
aspirational fancy jeans
freepiled Banana Republics, wools and silks
freepiled Oktoberfest outfit
my skills in tarting it up to generic-slutty-costume status
fixed up dumpstered toaster oven
bunch of new makeups from giant Longs' clearance
yummy sausage & egg pastry
my money tree is looking healthy
hair is getting long, giving me many options for cutting it off in the future
red beans and rice ingredients on hand
same ingredients will contribute to sausage-stuffed pears
many fantastic top40 songs about breakups and fierce women
not losing weight but not getting any fatter
many learning opportunities for being polite, living with humans, how to behave.
ugh I want to complain.
happy list hapyy.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
For me it is something like having a dog run away and after a certain time you sort of know he's dead but you last saw him alive so maybe you can still imagine him coming home. I did not see what my brother saw I did not do what my mother did. I called after volleyball and heard it already halfway formed as a story. I have my story, that my mind went to divorce, that I was half experiencing it and half reflecting on how strong my reaction was, how that surprised me, recognizing my initial denial as just that, awareness of being hearing that news over the phone in public outside some dorms I didn't live in. I have that voice that stays outside the situation and watches from there, my tenth-grade teacher saw it. For me however visceral it was and sometimes is, there is a component of unreality. Maybe that is for everyone. This is my particular sense of it.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
I dreamed my dad came home. He was surprised we hadn't cancelled Air & Space magazine yet. I told him I just had recently. We were getting ready to go out somewhere and I said I'd be right back, I went upstairs and lay down next to my mother and cried, told her it was hard to understand his being back. We had gotten rid of so many things and changed the insurance and changed our lives. I didn't want to be unappreciative but this was hard. It must be the stress.
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
all my life people have been telling me things I wasn't yet able to understand. all my life I expect this to continue. what a bind.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
he said it's been fun. that we're civil not in a fight. he can't do long distance. i should just do my thing. i'm rad but this isn't working between us. we were fighting half the time anyway. he said these things. i can't have him do this and then come back and be stoked on him. fine, then fuck it, don't, he said.
7 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
incomplete dad feelings.
he wanted me to have nice things to make me happy
I have nice things but he can't know
a lot of difference it makes?
I look more like a woman now and he would be proud of my growing
remember that I never brought home a boyfriend for him to meet
something funny about trying to honor what he would want for us/what was instilled in me to want for myself
when he isn't here and the reason I want to do it is the reason it's hard to do ?
something's just funny.
my brother is so cooperative and I am so un-
my mind every few days goes back to an imagined happy present where he is here and makes money and tells me reassuring things about my future. mom doesn't know how to do anything but say what I should do to make the good future.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
we got together under fluorescent lights. we went outside and we were hanging out underneath the neon signs. we walked up the hill to your house underneath the streetlights with headlights and taillights. we got to your house and we stayed on the porch underneath the yellow porchlight for a long time. and then we went inside and that was the first night.
i like being with you. there's a lot of things i like about being with you. i like i like i like i like laying on your kitchen floor at midnight underneath the overhead light. i like staying up all night with the tv on with the sound turned down. i like walking downtown with you in the daylight. i like i like i like i like being up i like being up late with you. i like seeing i like being in the living room, seeing the candlelight flicker from the bedroom. oh but there's something i want. do i want it for me? not just for me, something i want, i want i want it for both of us.
it's real moonlight.
can we get real moonlight at your house in your backyard? no. no, there's too much, it's it's in town, there's too many other lights - there's all the lights from town. we can't get real moonlight here. no, you gotta come with me, you gotta come, come on, come on - we'll leave the house, we'll go, go right now. we'll go, we'll go, get your coat and we'll go. we'll go up east bay drive four miles. four miles north of town on east bay drive. yeah you come with me and we'll walk on the side of the road, yeah, stay to the side of the road in the gravel and the headlights, and the taillights. yeah we'll go like four miles outside of town, we'll go past breezepoint park, go past the samba club, what used to be the samba club. we'll go to the old harbor, lutheran church. i've been here before. come with me! there's a spot round back. we'll go around back now. there's all these blackberry bushes and blackberry brambles. but i know there's a spot here, there's a hole, there's a hole in it all. there's a trail.
come on, come on, come on, come with me now. we'll go we'll go through this trail now, follow me now. now we're feeling our way around, we're feeling our way along, just with our feet on the trail. and the overgrowth and the underbrush and i slip and i and i twist my ankle on the trail. goddamn it! you know, you're like you're like reaching, to help me back on the trail. you catch your coat on a branch and you ripped your coat. and you're so mad at me. and i'm so impatient with you. and you're so mad at me! what are we doing here? you're like, what are we doing here? four miles outside of town, we can't bring a flashlight. no, we can't bring a flashlight. four miles outside of town. what am i doing here with you? i'm just so impatient with you. why don't you trust me? why don't you just trust me? you're so mad at me. i'm so impatient with you.
and this is that dark, cold part of our relationship. this is that dark, cold part of our relationship.
and right now, you know right now if we just went up the next little, up the next little hill, all this overgrowth and underbrush, all this overgrowth, it just clears right out. and there's real, real moonlight. real moonlight.
Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A GIRLFRIEND.
I made this:
as a birthday cake for someone I met once
9 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
I think I've been sleeping less than six hours every night with no ill effects. I took a nap once. I seem to have continued to lose weight quite easily this past week despite drinking and Matt being >.< at me when I tried not to eat. I learned what a beezy is and got a beezy dress. Watched My Dinner with Andre, Une Femme Est Une Femme and Hable Con Ella, and started reading Palahniuk's Lullaby. I have a dozen new friends who are all really delightful. I'm in a relationship and don't know what the fuck I am doing but he's easygoing and reminds me not to worry so much. I have a bag of overripe mangos to work with. It's a very happy moment for me.
5 Comments | Post A Comment | Memorize | Tell a Friend | Link
|
