Date: 2009-07-06 15:57 Subject: red carpet Security: Public

I think I've been sleeping less than six hours every night with no ill effects. I took a nap once. I seem to have continued to lose weight quite easily this past week despite drinking and Matt being >.< at me when I tried not to eat. I learned what a beezy is and got a beezy dress. Watched My Dinner with Andre, Une Femme Est Une Femme and Hable Con Ella, and started reading Palahniuk's Lullaby. I have a dozen new friends who are all really delightful. I'm in a relationship and don't know what the fuck I am doing but he's easygoing and reminds me not to worry so much. I have a bag of overripe mangos to work with. It's a very happy moment for me.

Date: 2009-06-18 23:32 Subject: where I ran tonight Security: Public

5.1 miles according to distance measurement tool

Date: 2009-06-15 14:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I heard on the internet that loquat season is in April around here. I picked these today and they are sweet and delicious. Hope our tree still has more coming!

Date: 2009-06-12 18:54 Subject: to show you what I am talking about when I talk about our house Security: Public Tags: daddy

This is the yard next to the house, with our compost bins and an old bird feeder.



This is the view out my bedroom window into our back yard. The fence is to keep the dogs near the house. The shed has lots of junk, a lawn mower, and black widows in it.



Where I make dinner



( and where I eat it )

Date: 2009-06-03 15:39 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Tags: daddy

I got a bottle of Synergy "Trilogy" flavor kombucha with raspberry, lemon and ginger. It is good and makes me feel kind of weird but ok/engergized/whatever. But I wonder if it is really good for you or if it's neutral or actually bad? I have heard all three.

We're still trying to go through all my dad's electronics stuff and sell things and throw away others. I wish it would just all take care of itself in the appropriate way, without us having to figure out what that is. I still go in there and just go "fuck this what the fuck" and try to get what I need without thinking too much. I probably still think of my dad every day but I don't notice that I think about him. So I guess that's a variety of getting-better. I feel ok about the fact of his death but I think it is apparent to everyone that I am not fully ok, stressed out about a lot of things and pretty hard on myself and stuck in each moment reacting. Probably that will get better soon. But, feeling good is not really a priority. It hasn't mattered in a long time.

Anthony said he will help me work on my bike to get it ride-able. I'm pretty excited about that. He already helped me with my office chair by sawing off the head of a rusty screw. It was very manly.

Date: 2009-06-02 11:54 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I am going to make a quilt from my t-shirts:



unfortunately I seem to no longer have my "Bush Country" shirt but I do have "Yo Quiero Jesus" and "Je Suis Avec Stupide" so I think it will turn out well.

Date: 2009-05-29 00:06 Subject: here's something rad Security: Public

this is a letter from basically my magistrate in Finland (in Porvoo, where my mom last lived) saying I am marked in the records with the following citizenships: Suomi, Yhdysvallat - Finland, United States.

Date: 2009-05-26 15:18 Subject: If I make it at all, I'll make you want me. Security: Public

Every day is in memory / every day memorial.
I didn't have to go to the courthouse after all, you can pay for traffic school online.
I woke up late, so now I'm leaving tomorrow.
At graduation a sorority girl mentioned her list of 250 things done at Berkeley. My list can't be self-evidently better than hers if I ain't have one, so I have undertaken this project. She opened and closed her speech with jokes about bathroom graffiti, which is so Nerdnoise Show and Tell 1999. ( Your job is to please comment and remember more things we've done and/or what we still have left to do. )

Date: 2009-05-23 19:54 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

ripped favorite pants playing volleyball in last night's outfit, I give my next-best pants muffin top since I got fat again. oh well. my mom is in Livermore. Lovermore. yesterday I got drunk three times, went to Cesar for Roxy, went to Casler's and played games with his fam, went to the Cinch and saw a drag show, got a ride to Matthew's from two of the drag queens stopping at It's Tops, made delicious breakfast, went straight from BART to volleyball took the 51 when I should've taken the 7, making me trivially later, played, went to Christie's for a variety of dinners, helped make pasta sauce, had good talks, was given a fondue set, saw Nick Reid, got home and saw kitty, showered and still smell abnormal in my mind. The social situation is strange. I think I'm wearing the same top in two different sets of pictures Roxy posted today. I got three A-'s and a B+ so far ! homes is the big wild card. I just forgot something. I remembered! people compliment my millefiori necklaces when I wear them, and I get to say "thanks, my dad gave it to me," and remember him with everyone but in an unobtrusive way. I like that a lot.

p.s. I am never again taking a picture where I am on the end of the group, ever.
p.s. again. my mom is here.

Date: 2009-05-22 01:25 Subject: I love red things Security: Public

At my birthday, Eric asked why I don't have a tea kettle when I have every other kitchen item imaginable.

fixed! five dollars from Goodwill.

Date: 2009-05-20 18:53 Subject: IMPORTANT Security: Public

WHY are fajita pans oval-shaped? I have tried to google this numerous times, no satisfactory answer forthcoming.

Date: 2009-05-20 17:12 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

last final tomrwo, and a whole host of errands - write my grandma an extremely late thank you card, possibly try to get appointments for eye exam, regular doctor, pay my ticket, absolutely must sort out bills for the past few months, get people cards, ???
things that conveniently took care of themselves: Gourmet cookbook arrived, upstairs neighbor got her cat carrier back
my mom is coming to help me move and promised she'd go out to dinner with me!
Pete either stood me up or is 75+ minutes late and hasn't called
the skillet I'm cleaning is almost ready to be de-rusted and seasoned, which will be so rewarding and awesome when finished. I will make a deep-dish pizza in it.

tomorrow night: adjustment period? tentatively drinking with Hoi?
Friday: Cog Sci graduation at the Greek, Casler's graduation party +Matthew
Saturday: volleyball with Christie, Teale and Sara, Rex, maybe Phong??, Liam's friends come over, Julia's goodbye party, mom arrives
Sunday: Liam's graduation party
all of the above: packing
Monday: moving

Date: 2009-05-17 21:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

it surprises me when I found out that people who don't comment are reading my entries.

someone left me this nice comment on anonymous confessions:
"you're rad. do you talk to boys off board who are desirous of giving you compliments?"
but I haven't heard further. so much for that!

Date: 2009-05-08 06:57 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

my weird habit: when thinking about what to write next, hold down the "up" key until the cursor gets to the top and goes all the way to the left, then hold down the "down" key until it gets back to the bottom right. repeat.

Date: 2009-05-04 05:06 Subject: one-year anniversary. Security: Public Tags: daddy

I don't know when exactly my dad died, I only know it was early since he was getting ready for the electronics convention. Probably not this early. Probably this would have been the last hour or two of apnic sleep before he got up and went to his office.

On TV there are commercials for aspirin and gastric band surgery with people saying they will dance at their daughters' weddings and it does make me angry and I am cynical and offended. But aside from that, they make me notice how I've naturalized our situation. It's now confusing to me how anyone lives to be old enough to have adult children, and then grandchildren. It could be ten years before I even marry. That would have been a lot longer. An eternity. Impossible. Corollary: growing semi-conscious concern about my mom's health. She's had bad blood pressure from all the stress, she could have a stroke. god knows.

I used to just leave this on and go to sleep -- http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/others/rain.htm -- it was the most goddamn beautiful thing. years ago. Olivia Tremor Control, GY!BE or Silver Mt. Zion. Mogwai, Rachels. These were the best falling-asleeps. Alongside the time at Ankur's apartment with Arrested Development. I don't sleep anymore.

One year without my dad is also one year of life insurance money spent. There can't be more than the upcoming year left. We're not living paycheck-to-paycheck yet, I have to calm down. It would be a lot better if I graduated now. I am so spoiled it's unbelievable.

I just got an email from my professor saying he's had a death in his family.

Date: 2009-05-01 10:25 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Tags: michelle plus

Happy Vappu!

Right now (or maybe not, but I forget how to do the time difference to figure out what time and day it is there) the Finns are gathered in parks getting drunk. As one internet-stranger put it, "whole Finland is drunk...I mean really drunk, everyone drinks until (s)he runs out of money or is unable to swallow. And there's some kind of holiday on 1st of May too. " ^__^

This is also a good day to drink sima, which I am happy to share if anyone likes some. I am spiking mine with Andre. It's delightful!

Date: 2009-04-23 00:28 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

When did I grow roots? Not when I started college. San Diego roots across a distance, if such a thing is possible. A vague feeling of pride in my school. Perhaps no more attached than ever though. mysterious? I didn't always have an interest in Finnish culture and my mom didn't try to make me. I think it's nice the way we return to our origins. Go on an odyssey and return settle down; you can't perpetually travel unless you're the one whose role it is, the wanderer. People playing roles, I like that. What would mine be?

Date: 2009-04-10 01:48 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I want to go fishing and catch a fish and clean it and eat it.