If someone you love is having an extended pity party, is it your job to (any of the following)?
-Just let them keep venting, listen supportively, and keep your own feelings to yourself
-Acknowledge their feelings and try to point out a positive reappraisal/silver lining
-Tell them outright you're getting tired of hearing it and they really don't have it so bad
-Other (please describe)
1a. I have very balanced leg muscles, which is weird. Because I'm a girl.
1b. My tiny-boy hips (my own words) are cool because they make me less likely to tear my ACL.
2. I have a neutral pelvis.
3. My arms are pretty awesome (his words).
4. I run like a motorboat (starts off slow gathering power before it gets fast).
It was hard seeing Jason again. Moreso, it was hard having him leave again. I kind of started spinning out. Again at first I thought it was getting better and it in fact got worse. Yesterday a lot of crying. I feel stupid like a teenager. An impatient voice is telling me to just get over it. But it is a big loss for me and a big hurt. I told him it feels like he threw our relationship away for nothing. We weren't perfect but I think we were good at dealing with our problems. He made me communicate and I loved him for that. I feel like no one else will ever love me. He told me he loved me but qualified it, a way I didn't understand when I was drunk and thought it was safer not to listen. He didn't know if he loved me the way I needed. Sometimes thoughts about other girls but always coming back to me. I felt so much stronger when we were together. I think he supported me accidentally and invisibly. He says I was better at the relationship than he was; maybe that is a sign that I wasn't doing it right at all. Whatever I may have done for him, he thought a life in the city with a vague idea about a career was worth leaving me for. So it hurts and I don't trust him when he says he still cares about me and I have felt a lot of hate for myself the last few days. But today I also felt the loss of my dad and I think I am supposed to use that, to know that I have gone through loss before and it won't always be this bad.
Everyone thinks San Francisco is this magical place where you magically become happy. So they are all moving there and leaving me behind. And I fall for it too, even though I don't blame where I live. I read "The Cutest Coffee Shops in San Francisco" and almost started crying. These perfect little settings where you can imagine yourself and everything is beautiful. Jason hated San Marcos, I just hate myself. (And Zooey Deschanel.) So I think I am starting some kind of spiritual journey now with my self-help books and my journal and my hands.
Jason took a job in San Francisco and moved away a week ago. I'm really angry with him. He doesn't call me, I am suddenly just another facebook friend. He posts links to my wall once in awhile. I am very alone and lonely. He had talked about going to Spain for a year to teach English and I knew he wanted to live in the Bay Area but at first it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't attached yet, and when I started getting attached it looked like he wasn't going to have the opportunity to do those things anytime soon. Then within the span of a few days he told me he'd applied for this job, and he got an interview, and actually got the offer. And then he moved and forgot about me in the same moment. He just talks about his plans all the time, how he is going to ride his bike to this place, drive out to Santa Cruz this weekend. Of course he doesn't ask how I'm doing. I'm not supposed to be mad because he was always honest about wanting to move. It feels like our whole relationship was not real to him, just a way to keep busy until he got what he wanted. I called him crying and we talked, he said he would call me back that night and then he didn't. He says because he crashed when he got home. Honestly I'm not a priority. Why would I be, when he has so many fun things he can prioritize instead now that he is living where he wants to live with his friends. I just didn't think he would abandon me the same way Matt did, I thought he cared about me.
I wonder if I can ever understand myself now, if I can only understand my mother.
"Their relationships make them feel anxious instead of supported."
I met the most beautiful boy. San Diego Burners. He was very loving and said he was attracted to my intelligence. It set off a lot of missing Berkeley.
My Spanish teacher sent me a really sweet email too.
I just want to love people.
By the pool on our trip to Las Vegas, Jean confided in me she hadn't realized my dad had died but figured it out from something I said offhand and didn't ask further, not knowing whether I was okay to talk about it. I told her what the deal was and it was fine, apologized that I have never told the people who care about me in any systematic way.
I guess this triggered something, because after a long time of not thinking about him, the other night I dreamed he was with us just as normal - an immense relief that I could finally ask him all the questions that go unaddressed. Life was going to be a lot easier. Tonight I did one better and inserted myself into the story, dreamed of waiting for him to come run some errand with me and his not appearing, eventually going into his office and finding him on the floor, the flood of chaotic thoughts, having the worst trouble dialing 911... waiting for an answer on the line, then seeing his chest move and his saying "oh, I called them like seven minutes ago," hoarse and strained. The guilt that I could have been there to help if I had gone looking for him seven minutes earlier, and the attempt to sweep that away so as not to upset him. I was aware of this whole thing as it unfolded, that it had been my brother's role to find him but now I was part of it.
So that was nice, I haven't woken up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and possibly about to cry in quite a while. All support-group morals aside, it seems like maybe over two years later I could be done with the idiot dreams. All I want is to somehow start my life as a functional adult, but I am so bogged down with repercussions of his death - practically my whole life is structured by them. Just, haunted.
SIMON: You dedicate this CD to your parents, right?
Ms. ANDERSON: Yeah, I did. And it just - one of the songs on this record is - like many of them have this kind of undercurrent of memory, and so one of them is called - its about a lark from a hilarious 2,000-year-old play by Aristophanes called "The Birds."
And it's a short story from before the world began. From a time when there was no earth, no land, only air and birds everywhere. But the thing was, there was no place to land because there was no land.
So they were just like flying everywhere. And one of the birds is a lark and one day her father died and this was a really big problem because what should they do with the body. And there was no place to put the body because there was no earth.
So they try to figure out what to do. And, of course, this is a huge theme in Greek tragedy and it's a theme in modern-day life as well. What do you do with your parents? What do you do for your history? What do you do with - about stuff? She decides anyway to bury her father in the back of her own head, and that's the solution.
And this is the beginning of memory, because before this, no one could remember anything. They were just constantly flying in circles.
also, the comforting thought is that this is still an adjustment period for me. but six months out of college is a long damn adjustment. opinions